How to Write the Next Twilight, Stephen King Book or Critically Acclaimed Novel

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Everyone wants to write the next blockbuster book series. And it’s easy to see why; authors such as Stephanie Meyer and Dan Brown have proven all it takes is a fifth-grade reading level and an utter contempt for your audience to hit pay dirt. So let’s get started, and by “started” I don’t mean enroll in a prestigious creative writing institution. Writers are doers, not learners. If college was for people who do things they’d call it “Do-llege.” You don’t need college.  All you need are these simple tips:

How To Write a Book For Girls (Or Women Who Were Once Girls)

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The thing women love most is magic. The magic of new romance, the magic of love, the magic of undying devotion. So think of the most magical, romantic thing you can. Now ask yourself:

  • Is it a supernatural creature?
  • Does it sparkle in the sunlight?
  • Does it live forever?

The answer to all of these should be “yes,” which leads you to just one conclusion, Unicorns! Now create your narrative about a young girl’s blossoming but forbidden love for her unicorn. If your book series succeeds three books, your protagonists are inevitably going to have to make love. If you think a sexual affair between a girl and a unicorn is a tad creepy, change the unicorn to a Sasquatch, Minotaur, vampire or whatever.

How to Write a Stephen King Blockbuster

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  1. Close your eyes.
  2. Now open them. What’s the first thing you see? A toaster? That’s perfect. Now it’s a haunted toaster.
  3. Include some kind of subtext on the evils of religious fanaticism. Perhaps an evil cult worships the haunted toaster.
  4. Now just riff for about 500 pages. Perhaps your heroes can go on a quest to throw the cursed toaster in a volcano. Make sure to document every single mundane detail along the way. Develop 39 new ways to describe dirt. We’ve got pages to fill.
  5. Include a cameo with a character from another book, people love that shit.
  6. Kill someone, but no kids or dogs. People hate that shit.
  7. Remember, everything evil happens in New England. If you want to write a story about haunted toasters that takes place in Canada, go fuck yourself.

How to Write an Acclaimed Cormac McCarthy Novel

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  1. Is there such a thing as absolute evil without a shade of gray? You bet!
  2. Spend 1,000 pages discussing how kids these days just ain’t got no respect.
  3. When in doubt, have someone eat a baby.
  4. Cut out the scene with the jet boat race. Also the stereotypical black sidekick. Find another way to incorporate the catch phrase, “This shit is whack!”
  5. Create whole new definitions for bleak. While writing your book, imagine your reader sinking into the grimness of your narrative. When you can hear a click, that’s the sound of the reader cocking a gun to their head. Congrats, you’re ready for press.
  6. Remember, your protagonist represents the only light of goodness in a horrifying, chaotic world. You’ll probably want to kill them before book’s end.

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Will you remember where you were the day the world changed? No not when a free and bountiful energy source was found. Not when we cured AIDS (well actually we didn’t cure it, we just tweaked it so now when you get AIDS all that happens is you gain the power to shoot laser beams out of your genitals!) We’re talking a real earth shattering, epochal event. Well, pull up your pants and take a seat, because that day is today, for today is the day movie advertising got REAL!

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We all crave a chuckle now and then, but most of us chose to receive our larfs in safe venues like open mike comedy clubs or your local college improvisational team.  Why limit your yuks to these rare and controlled occasions when comedy is all around us?  Comedy is, after all, nothing more than a common situation with surprising or unexpected results.  I myself have an uncanny knack for recognizing comedy in daily existence.  Allow me to present some recent situations I found myself in to illustrate how to spot comedy in your life.


ME: Excuse me, Mr. Banker, I was wondering if you could give me a loan.

BANKER: You have to fill out an application, but first, could you loan me twenty bucks?

ME: (doing a double take) You, the banker are asking me for a loan? That’s absurd!

BANKER: I know, it’s wholly inappropriate.

ME: And here I was trying to get a loan from you.  This is not the predictable outcome, is it?

BANKER: No, indeed it is not.

ME: You know what’s happening here?

BANKER: Comedy?

ME: Bingo.


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Ever since time travel was invented in the mid 1980’s, man has enjoyed the pleasures and stress-relieving benefits of bopping along the time stream. What better way to unwind after a hard day at office than to spend a few hours in that mystical land of “the past” where every day is a Renaissance fair?  Time travel, however, is not a right but a privilege, and with that privilege comes great responsibility. With that in mind, whether this is your this is your first time “trippin’” or your 1,000th, we could all do well to refresh ourselves on the 5 most common time travel mistakes, the potential damages they pose against the space-time continuum and what you can do to avoid them.

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Kick ass music and having sex do not go hand in hand. Any guy whose high school girlfriend would not let him so much as touch her without Boys II Men crooning their cardigan-flavored R and B in the background can attest to this fact. Face it; you just can’t coax a lady into your carnal thunderdome (aka your parent’s basement) to the strains of AC/DC or Led Zeppelin. But here are some horrific “music makers” who’ll get the job done.

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35 Reasons Why You Should Own a Dragon

The holidays have arrived, and when it comes to gifts, you probably have a lot of things on your wish list.  All of these desired items, in your mind, are going to somehow make your life significantly more awesome.  Maybe you’re right, but chances are, there is one thing missing from your list that you haven’t even thought of.  Let’s not even mince words here.  Have you asked anyone for a dragon?  If not, you’re fucking up.  Here’s 35 reasons why…

  • Dragons are the most eco-friendly mode of transportation available. All they run on is magic, dreams and the blood of orphans. Take that, Prius owners!
  • Everyone will be able to see you’ve totally recovered in a kick ass way from the divorce.
  • Never again will anyone say, “You don’t know your way around a dragon.”
  • World’s Greatest Pick-up Line: “Hey, ever do it on the back of a dragon?”
  • World’s Second Greatest Pick-up Line: “Hey, ever do it with a dragon watching?”
  • You can give you and your dragon cool nicknames like “Big Daddy and Flamer” or “Sherriff Lobo and Senator Bumpass” or “Danny Diablo and His Incredibly Special Friend.”
  • Contracting Dragon AIDS from your dragon is nothing to worry about. In fact, the main symptom of dragon AIDS is you get increased penmanship skills.

penmanship ab121809 35 Reasons Why You Should Own a Dragon

  • You get more than one sample at Costco.
  • Much less expensive than a robot and far less likely to turn gay.
  • Your Canadian quarters will always be accepted as currency.
  • You get a to-go box at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
  • Dragon tears are a powerful aphrodisiac, providing you with a 36-hour erection. How do you get dragon’s tears? Tell it you don’t believe in dragons.
  • Show up those idiots who get an air brushed painting of a dragon on the side of their vans by getting an air brushed picture of a van on the side of your dragon.
  • Lick one, they taste like soup.
  • When you take a dragon up to 88 miles an hour you’ll go back in time, almost have sex with your mom, give the town bully a manure-based comeuppance and invent rock n’ roll.
  • Two words: tax deductable.
  • It’ll piss your girlfriend off.
  • Most dragons are 1,000’s of years old, you can ask yours how much tail Abraham Lincoln used to get.
  • They blow awesome smoke rings.
  • Dragons are surprisingly skilled at assembling IKEA furniture.
  • No matter how colossal a failure at life you become, no matter what horrible things you do or how pointless and insignificant your deeds will be to the great tide of history, your tombstone will still read, “That Dragon Guy.”

tombstone ab121809 35 Reasons Why You Should Own a Dragon

A Special Environmental Message from Mr. T

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Hey sucka. That’s right, this is Mr. T. Yeah, I still exist. Mr. T’s taking a break from pitying fools and looking for paying work to yell at you about sustainability. What, you don’t think Mr. T knows about sustainability? Then you don’t know Mr. T. Here is some other stuff you don’t know about Mr. T:

• Many folk believe Mr. T’s name “B.A.” on the A-Team stands for Bad Attitude. It doesn’t. It stands for “Bees and Ants.” Mr. T thought his character should have the secret power to control bees and ants. NBC didn’t go for it, which is why Mr. T thinks NBC stands for “Never Be Considering” Mr. T’s suggestions.

• Mr. T has a lovely baritone singing voice.

• Mr. T not only treats his mamma right, but yours too.

• And, Mr. T is all about sustainability.

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9 Disturbingly Unsexy “Sexy” Halloween Costumes

bee costume ab102009 9 Completely Retarded Sexy Halloween Costumes

Halloween is almost upon us again.  And you know what that means…well, very little if you’re a childless adult.  If you do have kids, it means you’ll send them out to fend for themselves for a few hours while knocking on strange people’s doors.  And then there are those of us that, despite being way too old to give a shit, still decide that dressing up for Halloween is a great idea.  And that’s fine, we don’t care.  But please, if you do decide to dress up and leave the house, try to avoid these costumes at all costs.  They really aren’t a good look.

The Sexy Snake Charmer

sexy snake charmer 9 Completely Retarded Sexy Halloween Costumes

What You’re Trying to Say

“My penis is long and exotic. I also am funny.”

What You’re Actually Saying

“I know nothing about the Middle East. Plus my penis spits venom.”

Sexy Freddy Kreuger

Sexy Freddy Kreuger 9 Completely Retarded Sexy Halloween Costumes

What You’re Trying to Say

From the website: Your victims won’t have to fall asleep to make you their dream girl!

What You’re Actually Saying

“If by ‘dream’ you mean ‘slice your penis up like a carrot’ than yes, I am your dream girl.”

Sexy Bee Costume

bee costume ab102009 9 Completely Retarded Sexy Halloween Costumes

What You’re Trying to Say

“BEE-have or I’ll slap you on the BEE-hind”

What You’re Actually Saying

“Hey, you wanna fuck a bee?”  Alright, maybe this one is kind of awesome.

Plug and Socket

Plug and Socket Costume ab102009 9 Completely Retarded Sexy Halloween Costumes

What You’re Trying to Say

“I know how sex works.”

What You’re Actually Saying

“You stab the girl in the chest with your two-pronged penis, right?”

Sexy Indian

Sexy Indian ab1020091 9 Completely Retarded Sexy Halloween Costumes

What You’re Trying to Say

“I’m Pocahontas. Get it? POKE-ahontas?”

What You’re Actually Saying

“Racial insensitivity really gets me off.”

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Batman v. Superman: Who’s a Better Lay?

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(Superman enters a coffee shop where Batman is already seated at a table)

Superman: Sorry I’m late. I had to fight off a horde of alien lizard warlords and even after I reversed the earth’s orbit to turn back time it still left me five minutes behind. You been here long?

Batman: Seven hours. I spent most that time doing surveillance from behind a Splenda dish.

Superman: Great. You order?

Batman: Just a hot chocolate.

Superman: (to waitress) Hey, can I get 30 or 40 pancakes over here? (to Batman) She’s cute. You should ask her out.

Batman: Batman does fine.

Superman: Listen Bruce—

Batman: Clark—

Superman: Fine, Batman. I worry about you. All gloomy in that big mansion castle. You should get out more.

Batman: I do fine with ladies. I draw a hell of a lot more tail than you.

Superman: Are you kidding? I would totally spank you, sexually speaking. Wait, I mean–

Batman:  By assuming you’ve already won, you just sacrificed sure footing for a death blow.

Superman: How do you figure?

Batman: I’ve already run seventeen possible scenarios for the argument in my head and in sixteen of them I win.

Superman: Okay. The question isn’t who’s more cryptic. It’s who’s a better at sex. The Dark Knight or the Man of Steel? I win. I would rip you a new one, sexually. Again that didn’t come out right.

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1 Response to FunnyCrave

  1. Leon Tannor says:

    Hi I’ve been following fun with cole for a while and just saw this video and thought this will be a perfect for your site it’s the English version ‘baby baby baby’ make the girls dance. Shot in the legendary Brick Lane



    Let me know what you think, thanks

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