The 5 Most Common Time Travel Mistakes

Ever since time travel was invented in the mid 1980’s, man has enjoyed the pleasures and stress-relieving benefits of bopping along the time stream. What better way to unwind after a hard day at office than to spend a few hours in that mystical land of “the past” where every day is a Renaissance fair?  Time travel, however, is not a right but a privilege, and with that privilege comes great responsibility. With that in mind, whether this is your this is your first time “trippin’” or your 1,000th, we could all do well to refresh ourselves on the 5 most common time travel mistakes, the potential damages they pose against the space-time continuum and what you can do to avoid them.

1#: Failing to Assassinate Hitler

How many times has this happened to you: after your last time travel adventure you’re celebrating your 100th Powerball win when you remember something. “Dang it,” you say, slapping your head, “once again I have neglected to kill Hitler. I’m such a goof!”

All of us, whether an old man or small child, says the same thing before our very first jump: “I’m gonna kill Hitler.” But how many of us ever do it? The answer: none. Hitler is still known as the architect of World War II and the Holocaust, and you’re left with egg on your face.

Perhaps it’s in your technique. Maybe you traveled back to when Hitler was a budding artist and thoughts of the Third Reich were nothing but a whisper in his mind. You attended Hitler’s gallery showing in Munich and made fun of his artwork. Was your plan to kill him with embarrassment? Now he’s just going to drop the art career and find a new calling. Well that didn’t help things, now did it?

Or perhaps you lack focus, like that time you visited Berlin, 1934 and took Hitler to a carnival.  The two of you rode the Tilt-a-Whirl, (you didn’t get sick this time) and afterwards you took a walk along the river Spree. Hitler bough you cotton candy as you kept thinking, “Isn’t there something I’m supposed to be doing?” Or maybe you went back and killed the wrong Hitler. Not much point in offing Dave Hitler of Sarasota, Florida, is there?

What You Can Do To Avoid It

Not much really.  Millions of well-meaning citizens have gone back in time to assassinate Hitler and millions have failed.  Don’t get too down on yourself; assassinating Hitler is really hard. He’s a rascally varmint, history’s Road Runner. Every time you think you’ve got him in your sniper scope or the bomb you planted beneath his podium is ticking down its final seconds, Hitler leaps into the air with a “Meep! Meep!” and zips away, leaving nothing but a puff of smoke.  It seems that we as inhabitants of this earth are interminably doomed to chase after and fail to kill that wily Hitler. However; that doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy the thrill of the chase.

Time Continuum Damage

Minimal. By not assassinating Hitler you haven’t actually done anything but bruised your pride. Maybe it’s for the best. In your vain attempt you might almost succeed, perhaps by chasing him into the tracks of a Panzer tank, and leave him clinging to life. Then the German military rebuilds him bionically using steam punk technology and occult powers attained from various stolen religious artifacts. Laser Vision Hitler with Super Jumping Action and a metal spiked tail is bad news. Besides, if you actually ever did kill Hitler and ended up avoiding Holocaust you might cause a major rift in the timeline of human history and then something really bad might happen.

#2: Hitting On a Younger Version of Your Mom/Grandmother

With all the tight lips surrounding this boo-boo, you’d think it never happens, but trust me it happens to all of us. A lot. I don’t know a time traveler with a good many jumps under his belt who hasn’t made out with his grandmother under a willow tree or drove the 1955 Packard with his mom to Lover’s Lane. It’s an innocent mistake. Why just the other day I accidentally made a pass at my grandmother when she was much younger. Like twenty years younger than she is now.

What You Can Do To Avoid It

I don’t know man; your mom was smoking hot back in the day.

Time Continuum Damage

If you are lucky, your mom and/or grandmother will spurn your advances. If not, on the plus side you’ll have a funny story for the next family reunion. On the negative side, you may erase your entire existence.

Related Issue: Hitting on an Younger/Older Version of Yourself

Relax, this is natural and in the end a victimless crime.

#3 Attempting to Take Over Ancient Civilizations with Modern “Witchcraft”

Oh how little we think of our ancestors. We assume them to be such superstitious simpletons that we can go back in time with nothing but a laser pointer or leaf blower and all those unwashed morons will either run for the hills or drop to their knees and snivel at the feet of you, their new god. Didn’t quite work out that way, did it?

What You Can Do To Avoid It

Don’t go back in time with a Bedazzler, ShowTime rotisserie or expect to run them down on your Segway because they won’t cower in fear and shit themselves over a digital weather radio you bought at Brookstone. Nor will they bow down to you and your George Foreman grill. “Magical” technology doesn’t impress them like you think it would. So stop taking future technology back to the past in order to take it over. It just doesn’t work. Unless you take guns. Guns always work.

Time Continuum Damage

Lots of stuff. Here is one example you might have heard. A guy name Darrin Schmidt went back to the height of the Roman Empire and tried to take the whole thing over with a Bic lighter.  “I CAN SUMMON HELL FIRE,”20he said, “BOW TO ME!” They totally didn’t buy it. “Who be this that dares challenge the Roman Empire?” asked a Roman Centurion.  “Uh…Jesus. Yeah, that’s it, the name is Jesus,” Darrin said, right before turning the dial on his Temporal Retriever Pinky RingÔ.  Well I think we all know how that turned out. Bad.

#4 Doing Anything with or to Butterflies

For some reason this really messes things up. Big time.

What You Can Do To Avoid It

Don’t fuck with Butterflies. Period. Not prehistoric ones, not even a butterfly from three days ago. Just don’t do it.

Time Continuum Damage

Everything is screwed. The entire universe turns in on itself and the world becomes some kind of topsy turvey bizzaro dimension where rain falls up, water is made of fire and ice cream cones eat children. Once again I must reiterate, don’t mess with the butterflies. Oh, who am I kidding, they’re so precious you just wanna pet them and kiss them and rip off their pretty little wings. The temptation is far too overwhelming. Ah well, existence had a good run there.

#5 Asked JFK if You Could Take the Top Down

Yes, it was a nice day and sure, you never rode in a convertible before. But c’mon man, think!

What You Can Do To Avoid It

Too late. The damage is done. America’s innocence is forever lost and all because you wanted to feel the wind through your hair. And to think, JFK was going to cure AIDS.

Time Continuum Damage

You are a jerk, how’s that for damage? Worse though, the assassination of JFK left the young and impressionable baby boomers jaded, leading them to turn away from their lofty ideals and sell out big time in the eighties. Here are some of the later life contributions baby boomers made to our world: Tim Allen, Enron, ultra conservatism, sweat shop labor, rampant plastic surgery, vagina rejuvenation, a dramatic increase in the chasm between the Haves and Have Nots, reality shows, self-righteousness, hypocrisy, a thoroughly raped environment, the Iraq War. And now we have to watch Dennis Hopper tells us how great their generation is in insurance commercials. The world they’re leaving us will suck on a level of suckitude that would explode all but the most costly suck-o-meters. And all because you’re the asshole who felt cooped up.”

Other Mistakes to Avoid

While the aforementioned mistakes are some the bigger no-no’s; you’ll find a plethora of smaller hiccups in time travel decorum in which you should steer clear of.

So one night you get drunk and rip a hole in the space-time continuum.  Accidents happen I know, but then you took a picture of your shitfaced buddies around the hole, pointing and laughing, which you then posted on MySpace. Don’t smirk, it’s not funny. That’s just disrespectful.

You went to check out the dawn of time.  Had a bit of a cold and sneezed on the (now extinct) Blue Fisted Desert Ape.  The Blue Fisted Desert Ape was the only natural enemy to the Winged Rattlesnake, which is why we now have flying rattlesnakes all over the place. Nice job.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]
This entry was posted in The Daily, Things We Do Not Speak of and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to The 5 Most Common Time Travel Mistakes

  1. gig gity says:

    I just took 4 seconds of your life. Ha!
    Now thats comedy.

  2. Relay says:

    However, do these rules of thump apply only to time travels in your own dimension or does the corollary follow in other dimensions as well, like in fantasy?

  3. Josh says:

    brilliant! how come i never read about it? קידום אתרים

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s