Conquer Everything: Table of Contents!

A Story So Sad You Will Barf with Grief. My Story.

At this point you may wonder: “where do you get off?!”

Excellent question. Where indeed do I get off granting you this golden, life-changing wisdom and advice? How do I qualify to lead you through the thorny thickets of self doubt, past the damp forest of bed wetting and into the sun-filled glory of personal success and reward? Well, ladies and gentlemen, sit back for I will tell you a story. It is a simple story, an American story, my story, and it will make you cry so hard you’ll vomit.

Introduction to Conquer Everything

“Welcome to the first day of the end of your sad, non-conquering life.”

Congratulations! By picking up this book, which I assume you purchased—we don’t need to encourage the socialized charity that is the “library” anymore than necessary—you’ve made a very big first step. You’ve declared to the world, “I want to be better!” This, my soon-to-be-friend, is called self awareness and as Plato said, “the unexamined life is…it’s just for losers. I mean, get your shit together already!” By wanting to be better you’ve acknowledged that you are terrible. Just awful at everything. And nobody likes you. But don’t despair; you’re not alone. Our culture is obsessed with self improvement, and it’s easy to see why: as human beings we are all keenly aware of how frail, foolish, vulnerable, inept and helpless we are.

Except me, of course. But more on that in a bit.

Rick James IS the Hulk

“I’m the Hulk, BITCH!”

Really though, Average White Guy’s reaction, “That brotha’s turning into a monster–and it’s Super Freaky,” is what totally brings this thing together.

I am a white guy and I’m pretty sure I can’t get away with calling a black man, “Brotha.”

The Boy on a Unicorn Bike

This.

It takes a metric butt-ton of badassery for a 12-year-old boy to tool around town on a unicorn bike. Do not mess with this kid, he has more raw chutzpah then ten men. This man will be President one day, or at least your boss. That this kid looks almost exactly like I did at his age is a fact that is not lost on me. I was probably fatter. By “probably” I mean “A lot.”

Steve Jobs Action Figure Amazing, Creepy as Hell

I’m no Steve Jobs fan, but I am a fan of insanely detailed craftmanship and creeping people out, and this Steve Jobs doll has both in spades. Oh poor Apple die-hards, now you can finally have Steve give that erotic iPhone 5 press conference fan-fiction you’ve been toiling away writing.

 

More pics…

If Adam West Played Batman In “The Dark Knight Rises”

We need to Swede this sucker now.

Best Fan-Made Dark Knight Rises Poster

Fan made posters are the best made posters.

On Batman, Jesus, Farts and Other Nerdy Napkin Advice to My Daughter

I recently took over lunch making duty for my 2nd grader. Her mom always included a little note on the napkin to the effect of, “I Love You.” I decided to keep the napkin noting tradition, but spice it up a bit with some real world advice and daily affirmations.

Two-Story Batman, Star Wars and Other Geeky Snowmen

I know it seems like this country is in a downward spiral, but if you ever question America’s greatness, just check out these snow sculptures. USA! USA!