Use More of My Oil!

By Guest Writer Thaddeus T. Sealclubber, Oil Magnate

Oil is my life. Oil has made me grotesquely rich. I own homes I’ve never seen. Hell, I own people I’ve never seen. But I never let my staggering crapulence get in the way of consistently delivering delicious crude to all you fine consumers. If oil is the blood of the earth, than I am the biggest, fattest mosquito around. And who doesn’t love a fat blood sucker?

So imagine my surprise when I discovered you motorists have conspired against me. Normally I spend the summers in an ether-induced coma until the holiday season arrives. But this year my man servant Chauncey woke me a month early.

Things You Should Never Say at a Chuck E. Cheese Birthday Party

“Hey why don’t we skip the pitcher of beer and just set me up with an IV, eh Chuck? Just kidding, but seriously, keep those pitchers coming. Dad’s in some pain and he needs his medicine.”

“Hey kid, go ask that breastfeeding lady if she’s single.”

(Before playing head-to-head pop-a-shot against a seven year old) “I’m gonna take you down to Chinatown!”

Sandwiches Rule!, V.1

Sandwiches = Life. There is probably only one reason to continue shuffling about our mortal coil on this dirty blue marble—and that is sandwiches and the promise of more sandwiches to come. Sandwiches combine deliciousness with convenience with impregnating your brain with hugs.

This regular column will discuss sandwiches, “sammiches”, stories about sandwiches, updates in sandwich technology, and what you like to do when you eat sandwiches. It’s basically sandwich porn.

5 Awful Music Acts that Will Get You Laid

Kick ass music and having sex do not go hand in hand. Any guy whose high school girlfriend would not let him so much as touch her without Boys II Men crooning their cardigan-flavored R and B in the background can attest to this fact. Face it; you just can’t coax a lady into your carnal thunderdome (aka your parent’s basement) to the strains of AC/DC or Led Zeppelin. But here are some horrific “music makers” who’ll get the job done.

A Copywriter is Stalking You

A Sunkist Orange is nature’s perfect snack. It’s like a drop of sunshine in your hand. Not only is it an excellent source of vitamin C, but it’s sweet, pure and juicy. Kind of like Susan from Accounts Receivable. She’s sweet, the way she always has that slightly off-kilter smile. She’s pure, she’s the kind of girl that serves in a soup kitchen on Christmas, I just know it. And her lips are certainly juicy. Also like an orange, she doesn’t talk to me.

Names of Failed Boxers and Wrestlers

Kid Amish

The Pernicious Pincher

Ray “Maxi Pad” Thomas

“Headless” Manny Nelson

James “Down Syndrome” Downy

Bisexual Jackson

Brian “The Test Came Back Positive” Fuller

Fisty McNoFists

Sir Bleeder