Batman Vs. Shark with Lightsaber

Give up looking for the most bad ass thing in the universe, we’ve found it. By the way I just watched part of Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus this weekend. I’m not buyin’ it.

Jump to embiggen!

Let’s Play Opposite Moviezzzz!

Pretty simple game, guys. Works like this:

The Hurt Locker = The Pleasure Locker

Now it’s your turn.

Thanks Gabe.

Let Constance Take Her Girlfriend to Prom!

Homophobes believe allowing gays to marry is going to ruin it for the rest of us. Ruin what? It’s not clear as The Bachelor, the pinnacle of marital sanctity and a shining beacon of heterosexual love,  seems to be going strong. But so adamantly do some anti-gay folk believe “the gays” will ruin everything, they went ahead and preemptively ruined it for everyone.

One Mississippi high school canceled the entire prom when one student insisted on bringing her girlfriend as herdate. Not sure what the logic is here, unless they simply want to sway the students to become outraged at this harmless gay couple for ruining their dag gum prom.

I mean, prom’s suck and all– skip the dance and expensive, buy a bottle of Boone’s Farm and go impregnate someone in the back of your Plymouth Reliant K car station wagon–But, if a gay couple wants to attend, they should be allowed. So consider joining this Facebook group and send this backwater high school a message.

New Iron Man 2 Trailer

This is too bad ass for words. My testosterone hurts. That is all.

6 Famous Movie Wisemen Who Were Totally Full of Crap

Another one of my Cracked edits. And unlike all the lies I told you before, this one’s a good one. For real this time!

Sometimes you’ll be watching a movie and an old wise man will appear on the screen. He will say little, but those few words will be full of sage advice that will guide the hero on his journey. You may even find yourself quoting him later.

What is easy to forget is that behind that wise old man is just a hack Hollywood screenwriter, and that those ancient words of wisdom were thrown in on the third draft, at four in the morning, after half a pound of cocaine.

FULL ARTICLE AT CRACKED

Irish Country Music FAIL – “He Drinks Tequila”

I’m not super up to date on Irish music, I’ll admit. My concept of Irish music is Enya plus that dancing-a-jig scene in Titanic where Kate Winslett gets down with those salt of the earth mick’s. In fact, I imagine the entire country of Ireland is just made up of all the poor people who died in Titanic, that includes that Super Mario-type Italian guy who gets crushed by a smokestack. In my mind Irish music is anything you can boil a potato to (ethnic humor!) And since the Irish are people (a people from which I may-or-may not partially descend, I don’t really care) I suppose they’re allowed to make any kind of music they want. Except that last statement is a lie. They should never make Country/Western music. Let Crystal Swing show you how not to do a thing.

BTW, this family is totally normal and there’s nothing creepy to see here. Move along.

Scary Toy Commercial – FAIL

It’s both a frightening toy and horrifying commercial. Sleep well.

5 Things The Media Loves Pretending Are News

Another Cracked piece I jimmied.

Reporting the news is really hard. We’ve seen those poor guys standing in the hurricanes, trying to hold on to their microphone while debris flies by. And it’s a good thing we have them; blogs and Twitter are nice, but to find out what’s really going on in the world, at some point you need good old-fashioned journalism.

So can you blame a news outlet for using shortcuts and falling into the same old mistakes and cliches over and over again, just to fill space?

Yes, yes we can.

Find the full article on Cracked

The 6 Most Half Assed Attempts at Corporate Green Washing

An article I recently punched-up.

For a person, “going green” is as simple as recycling more, wasting less and always, always, always behaving like an insufferable prick in social situations. But for a corporation, “going green” can be a much harder task that costs million of dollars, thousands of hours of manpower and often painful company-wide cutbacks.

Or, they can opt to do jack shit and just spend all of their money and effort convincing the public otherwise. This is what is referred to as “greenwashing,” and it works like this:

Full Article

The Secret Lives of 5 Famous Children’s Authors

In the hearts and minds of children throughout the ages (not to mention the adults those children became) these authors live on as icons. They’ve taken us to magical worlds and taught us important morals and lessons. But they were also just people, and with all the inescapable trappings of human nature, they had their faults. As it turns out, even the authors of some of the most endearing and cherished children’s classics kept some sordid secrets that ended up left off the bio page. Some held pretty disparaging opinions of their fellow man (read: racist), some tried their hand at “adult entertainment” to pay the bills and some were just wholly unlikeable SOBs. However; nothing will ever change the beauty and power of these authors’ works, so please keep the hate mail to a minimum.