If Superheroes were hipsters

Feeling a Portland vibe here.

Mel Gibson: Master of (Crappy) Disguise

Celebrity disguises have become a recent obsession of mine, because they’re so damn good! It stands to reason, after years, even decades, in make-up trailers, of course a star like Mel Gibson would be a skilled master of disguise. The wacky mustache, the hat, the weight gain (that’s commitment to a disguise). And GLASSES! Works for Clark Kent, right? It’s impeccable, except for the part that you immediately recognize it’s Mel Gibson looking like an asshole. It’s like some middle schooler broke into the drama department prop closet.

The best part is not the disguise itself, but the fact Mel Gibson must wear a disguise not because of his immense celebrity, but because he must hide from his intense racism, sexism and general awful human beingness.

Kudos, Mel! You’ve taken a bit of spirit gum and somehow made your vicious, abhorrent soul disappear!

P.S. Stop dressing like my equally racist grandfather Mel.

Being A Dickhead’s Cool

I know summer is over, but THIS is your summer 2010 jam. Rewind the clocks, rev up the flux capacitors, because (like I said) this song is THE JAMMMMMMMMM!

9 “Sexy” (but Disturbing) Halloween Costumes

Usually when women whore it up get dressed up for Halloween, they choose costumes embodying the typical male fantasies: sexy pirate, sexy nurse, sexy pirate nurse, etc… I’m sure there’s even a sexy astronaut costume out there for those who get an erection every time they watch Deep Impact. But some “sexy” costumes, well they just–whoo boy–they’re just way off the mark.

The Sexy Snake Charmer

What You’re Trying to Say

“My penis is long and exotic. I also am funny.”

What You’re Actually Saying

“I know nothing about the Middle East. Plus my penis spits venom.”

Sexy Freddy Kreuger

What You’re Trying to Say

From the website: Your victims won’t have to fall asleep to make you their dream girl!

What You’re Actually Saying

“If by ‘dream’ you mean ‘slice your penis up like a carrot’ than yes, I am your dream girl.”

Sexy Bee Costume

What You’re Trying to Say

“BEE-have or I’ll slap you on the BEE-hind”

What You’re Actually Saying

“Hey, you wanna fuck a bee?”

Plug and Socket

What You’re Trying to Say

“I know how sex works.”

What You’re Actually Saying

“You stab the girl in the chest with your two-pronged penis, right?”

Sexy Indian

What You’re Trying to Say

“I’m Pocahontas. Get it? POKE-ahontas?”

What You’re Actually Saying

“Racial insensitivity really gets me off.”

Sexy Male Cop

What You’re Trying to Say

“I got fired by the force for too many ‘accidental discharges’.”

What You’re Actually Saying

“You wouldn’t happen to have a brother, would ya?”

Sexy Clown

What You’re Trying to Say

“I’d like to help you conquer you fear of clowns…

What You’re Actually Saying

…with my clown car-like vagina.”

Cherry Pie Eater

What You’re Trying to Say

“Heh, heh…read it again.”

What You’re Actually Saying

“You might as well call the police now. “

Sexy Nemo

What You’re Trying to Say

“I don’t get the point of sexy costumes.”

What You’re Actually Saying

“When you’re done fucking that bee, wanna fuck a fish?”

originally appeared on FunnyCrave

Classiest Prom Picture Ever

Man I miss prom. I’m still pissed I didn’t get to bring my broadsword. And that my date wouldn’t agree to strip naked for the photo. And that we didn’t both stick to our plan to gain 120 pounds before the big night.

Thanks Buzzfeed

Internet Win: The Room movie made into a video game

If you don’t know what The Room is, just shut off your computer now and go raise a barn or grow a beard, you Amish Wiener.

Now, for the rest of us, relive your favorite The Room scenes:

“Hi doggie!”

Tossing the football incredibly close.

the veiny butt sex scene.

This generation’s greatest movie just got it’s great tribute. And since I can’t embed the game here, here’s a picture of me and Tommy Wiseau.

Yep, we're tossing imaginary footballs. Yeah, I am a very big wheel.

Young Beardless Zach Galifianakis Doing Stand up for Kids

TweetFollow @colegamble

Sooooo Adorable! Uh, the kids are cute too, I guess.

See Zach without a beard is a tad disturbing, kind of like he lost an arm.

These 80’s Wendy’s Training Videos Will Shake Your Ass

If there is anyone in the room who hasn’t had a crappy high school job (or beyond) raise your hand. You, oh, GET OUT! You little spoon fed turd face. The rest of us never had it so lucky. We all had that job with the hairnet, or chicken costume, or the one where you’re entire uniform was made outta of paper (you know). Anywho, the best (worst) part of all these jobs was when your trainer led you to a grime coated closet called a “break room,” set up a 10″ tv with VCR and had you watch horrible, soul crushing training videos.

But back in the 80’s the Wendy’s Square Meat corporation had a different idea, and decided to educate their future employees on the finer arts of chili portioning through music videos.

You are gonna be soooo mad you didn’t work at a Wendy’s back in the 80’s after this.

PS: Do you remember that Wendy’s used to have salad bars? What the shit was that all about

thanks Best Week Ever

Introducing the World’s First Strip Club/Used Car Lot Hybrid

Portland is the strip club capital of the US. That means there are more strip clubs here per capita than anywhere else, even Vegas. Anytime a Burger King shuts down or a spot in a strip mall (heh) opens up, a strip club arrives almost immediately to fill the space. With that much competition, strip club owners in Portland really need to think outside the box. So it was inevitable to see the birth of the world’s first strip club/used car lot hybrid.

I drive by this strip club every day on my way to work. I don’t mean I go out of my way to drive by it; it’s just on the route. Blush, as it’s called, was a rather indistinct club, obviously housed in what once was a fast food joint. But today when I drove by I noticed brand new neon signage proclaiming that Blush the Strip Club is also now Blush the Used Car dealer. You can get that used ’87 Grand Caravan while watching used (insert your own anatomy joke here) waggle.

Yes, the tree is covering the strip club sign and, yes, I am a shitty photographer--but you get the point.

Some of the used offerings. The cars, I mean.

The more I think about it, the more brilliant a business plan this sounds like. I swear, if used car dealerships could legally hire strippers, they’d do it. “Hey, I’m just gonna go check your credit so we can get you into that Hyundai, but while you wait, Sindi’s here to give you a lap dance.”

And since the car inventory is in the lot behind the building, I guess the saying should go, “Party up front; business in the rear.” Make of that phrase what you will.

The Burt Reynolds Underwear Story

Did I ever tell you about the time Burt Reynolds and I hung out in our underwear (a fact which clearly meant more to me than him)? Well here’s the video of me telling a few hundred strangers. It killed, I tells ya, KILLED!