Category Archives: Things We Do Not Speak of

Things People Won’t Say to Me Once I Own a Dragon

That I haven’t totally recovered in a kick ass way from the divorce.

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The Post in Which I Save the Environment

As it is I can’t stop huffing gasoline. Oh gasoline, you smell like rainbows. Continue reading

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People Who Make Terrible Things – Birth of the Cubicle

Like a Movie Scientist, Robert Propst began with the best of intentions. In the early 60’s, Propst, a young and talented designer who helped create such life saving devices as heart pumps, sought to improve the modern workplace. His intended solution: to promote the productivity, privacy, and health of workers everywhere. Also like a Movie Scientist, Propst’s creation became a monster. Continue reading

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“Smear the Queer” and Why I Don’t Play Sports

When I was young I rarely engaged in sports. A fat kid who bruised easily, the only time I broke a sweat is when I leaned too close to the toaster oven waiting for my pizza bagels. I was so fat my parents had to rub Vaseline on my thighs to keep them from chaffing. I wish I had not just said/written that. Continue reading

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A Touchy Subject -or- Don’t Fear My Son’s Penis

Having a baby boy, we’ve come to find, is different than the demands of a baby girl. Adding that XY contribution, Dalton has brought a certain special brand of maleness to our home, especially lately for Dalton has taken to grabbing his junk.

A lot. Continue reading

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Use More of My Oil!

Oil is my life. Oil has made me grotesquely rich. I own homes I’ve never seen. Hell, I own people I’ve never seen. But I never let my staggering crapulence get in the way of consistently delivering delicious crude to all you fine consumers. If oil is the blood of the earth, than I am the biggest, fattest mosquito around. And who doesn’t love a fat blood sucker?

So imagine my surprise when I discovered you motorists have conspired against me. Normally I spend the summers in an ether-induced coma until the holiday season arrives. But this year my man servant Chauncey woke me a month early. Continue reading

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5 Awful Music Acts that Will Get You Laid

Kick ass music and having sex do not go hand in hand. Any guy whose high school girlfriend who would not let him so much as touch her without Boys II Men crooning their cardigan-flavored R and B in the background can attest to this fact. Face it; you just can’t coax a lady into your carnal thunderdome (aka your parent’s basement) to the strains of AC/DC or Led Zeppelin. But here are some horrific “music makers” who’ll get the job done. Continue reading

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A Copywriter is Stalking You

a advertisement writer stalks you through commercials. Continue reading

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Names of Failed Boxers and Wrestlers

The Pernicious Pincher, Ray “Maxi Pad” Thomas, “Headless” Manny Nelson, James “Down Syndrome” Downy, Bisexual Jackson, Brian “The Test Came Back Positive” Fuller, Fisty McNoFists, Sir Bleeder Continue reading

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