Author Archives: cogamble

Use More of My Oil!

Oil is my life. Oil has made me grotesquely rich. I own homes I’ve never seen. Hell, I own people I’ve never seen. But I never let my staggering crapulence get in the way of consistently delivering delicious crude to all you fine consumers. If oil is the blood of the earth, than I am the biggest, fattest mosquito around. And who doesn’t love a fat blood sucker?

So imagine my surprise when I discovered you motorists have conspired against me. Normally I spend the summers in an ether-induced coma until the holiday season arrives. But this year my man servant Chauncey woke me a month early. Continue reading

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Things You Should Never Say at a Chuck E. Cheese Birthday Party

“Hey why don’t we skip the pitcher of beer and just set me up with an IV, eh Chuck? Just kidding, but seriously, keep those pitchers coming. Dad’s in some pain and he needs his medicine.” Continue reading

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Sandwiches Rule!, V.1

Sandwiches = Life. There is probably only one reason to continue shuffling about our mortal coil on this dirty blue marble—and that is sandwiches and the promise of more sandwiches to come. Sandwiches combine deliciousness with convenience with impregnating your brain with hugs. Continue reading

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5 Awful Music Acts that Will Get You Laid

Kick ass music and having sex do not go hand in hand. Any guy whose high school girlfriend who would not let him so much as touch her without Boys II Men crooning their cardigan-flavored R and B in the background can attest to this fact. Face it; you just can’t coax a lady into your carnal thunderdome (aka your parent’s basement) to the strains of AC/DC or Led Zeppelin. But here are some horrific “music makers” who’ll get the job done. Continue reading

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A Copywriter is Stalking You

a advertisement writer stalks you through commercials. Continue reading

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Names of Failed Boxers and Wrestlers

The Pernicious Pincher, Ray “Maxi Pad” Thomas, “Headless” Manny Nelson, James “Down Syndrome” Downy, Bisexual Jackson, Brian “The Test Came Back Positive” Fuller, Fisty McNoFists, Sir Bleeder Continue reading

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