Introduction to Conquer Everything

“Welcome to the first day of the end of your sad, non-conquering life.”

Congratulations! By picking up this book, which I assume you purchased—we don’t need to encourage the socialized charity that is the “library” anymore than necessary—you’ve made a very big first step. You’ve declared to the world, “I want to be better!” This, my soon-to-be-friend, is called self awareness and as Plato said, “the unexamined life is…it’s just for losers. I mean, get your shit together already!” By wanting to be better you’ve acknowledged that you are terrible. Just awful at everything. And nobody likes you. But don’t despair; you’re not alone. Our culture is obsessed with self improvement, and it’s easy to see why: as human beings we are all keenly aware of how frail, foolish, vulnerable, inept and helpless we are.

Except me, of course. But more on that in a bit.

This obsession with self improvement consumes large swaths of book store shelves and keeps professionally insane people like Dr. Phil in the luxury of Italian sports cars, solid gold robots and bathtubs full of top shelf malt liquor instead of rightfully locking them up in sanitariums. You can find books that promise to make you richer, books that promise to make you smarter and books that promise to a make you such a giving, soulful, altruistic person you have no choice but to rub your friends’ noses in your superior selflessness, the bright light of your radiant goodness making them look like turds in comparison.

But for the all the self improvement gurus and the gooey, fetus like books they birth upon the world, what good has come of it? Are we richer, thinner, sexier, able to talk to animals? NO! And here’s why: all those books are too singular of focus. Why, any self improvement book you pick up can only promise to enrich you in one category. Sure you’ll be rich, but still tubby. Or you’ll be thin, but not sexy. Or you’ll be sexy but still be an asshole/illiterate/diabetic/poor/unable to fight your compulsion to strangle hobos. For this reason, no book written in the ENTIRE COURSE OF HUMAN HISTORY has succeeded in making one single person truly greater.

That is, until now. CONQUER EVERYTHING: THE ULTIMATE SELF IMPROVEMENT BOOK TO DESTROY ALL OTHER SELF IMPROVEMENT BOOKS AND GRANT YOU MASTERY IN EVERYTHING! is here. Unlike those other pedestrian affairs, my book covers a multitude of areas for your mastery.  Excelling in simply one area is like having only one finger, whereas, my book provides you with dozens of fingers. Which would you prefer: a receptionist with one finger or twenty-seven? Sure, the grotesquely multi-fingered receptionist might be a bit hard to look at, but damn is she a proficient typist. The mono-digit receptionist, on the other hand, does a lot of hunting and pecking on the keyboard, likely possesses a peg leg, an eye patch, goes by the name “Salty” and may or may not bring a parrot of questionable hygiene to work.

In this book you’ll find fully detailed, simple, quantifiable-result producing tips toward becoming better than everybody else. This simple volume compiles a warehouse full of self-help book material in one well-spaced, sensually fonted tome.

And who could bring together such a compendium of the world’s greatest pursuits, guidance, wisdom and truths in one handsomely bound and reasonably priced manuscript? Why only a man who’s unquestionably conquered every discipline valuable to mankind to become an exemplar of excellence. Being said exemplar I, Cole Gamble, can verify my domination in every subject which appears in this book. For in each subject I have garnered the prestigious Certificate of Excellence from Conquer Everything University. (DISCLAIMER: I am legally required to inform you that the Internal Revenue Service is currently investigating the tax status of Conquer Everything University as they do not believe a post office box stuffed with vintage erotica technically “qualifies” as a University.)

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