I must make a painfully candid admission. I am not a ladies’ man. For all my great successes, the one conquest that continues to elude me is the ability to pleasure a woman. I have conquered the realms of business, finance, social progress, physical perfection, science, martial arts, humanitarianism and modesty. Yet I cannot crack the mysterious world of lady business. Not that I lack a supply of comely, toned and genetically fortunate women willing to take on the challenge. Sure, they flock to me for my flawless complexion, my fortune and my deep and extensive collection of scented candles. Attraction, I’m afraid, is not the problem.
The blame rests with my sluggish and indifferent penis. The human penis is charged with only two tasks, and yet mine can only handle one. (To be fair, in that one field I am damn good. I am a champion pisser. I urinate like a thoroughbred.) Like all other challenges I’ve faced, I hunkered down and resolved to lick this penis problem. I changed my diet, consuming nothing but avocados and live monkfish. I practiced eastern erotic stretching techniques. I tried getting more sleep. Then I tried getting less. I reduced my stress, and when that didn’t work, I increased my stress. I meditated. I chastised my penis verbally. “How dare you penis?!” I’d shout whilst soaking in a jasmine-scented bath. “Don’t you know who I am?!”
None of it worked. What I did next I thought I would never do: I sought the wisdom of other experts. I consulted a myriad of doctors who succeeded in little more than tickling me inappropriately. They took 73 x-rays of my member, which seemed counter-productive to my virility. They bombarded it with so much radiation I expected it to turn green and go on an angry rampage through the city. I should be so fortunate to have a furious penis, as what I have now looks much more like mere civil disobedience. Lucky me, mine is the Ghandi of dicks. Modern medicine came up short. In the end, an ear-nose-throat physician from Secaucus, NJ handed me a jar of Vicks VapoRub and told me how to use it.
I consulted religious leaders, who informed me they were not at liberty to discuss my genitalia due to certain pending litigations against the church. I sought the counsel of psychics, charlatans and snake oil salesmen. It wasn’t until my I met an aged Chinese man I found answers. Turns out my ch’i was screwing with my love life. One’s ch’i, or life force, requires balance. Therefore, one’s ch’i can only tolerate so much excellence. My mastery in all things literally crowded my mortal frame; something had to give. In other words, my awesomeness is pinching off my peter.
Now, I’m not about to let go of being great at everything, so erectile dysfunction will just have to be my burden. Like Jesus, I too have a cross bear, except my cross is relevant.
But I didn’t write this chapter just to relate to you the dark side of excellence. No, you came here to turbo-charge your hokey-pokey and turbo-charge it we will! Having sex with other people, as I understand it, can be a blast. Don’t let my flaccid member ruin your good time. Don’t think just because I can’t have sex means I can’t teach you to. I combed the world for first-class seduction techniques and picked up some can’t fail tips from an internet chat room. Let me guide you through the rocky paths of lovemaking.
Calculating Your Sex Factor
To be sexy is to know yourself and to know yourself is to know your body. So, first I want you to stand completely naked in front of a full length mirror. If you aren’t quite ready to jump into such a stark assessment of your nude body, you may wear a small hat, like a beret or yarmulke. Now take it all in, from head to toe, cataloging all the reasons why a person should not have sex with you. I assure you, there will be plenty. This may take minutes or days, but don’t break concentration. It is okay if you need to take a break to cry, just get back to it. Once you’ve got your list (you wrote it all down, right?) take a step back. You can’t see all the imperfections as clearly now, can you? Now take another step back. Looking better, yes? Now I want you to take as many steps as necessary until you can’t see any of your grotesque deformities, even if that means you are just a small blur. If your home is not big enough for this, feel free to take your examination outside, preferably at night. Although, if you live in an apartment building and need to do this in your hallway, the time of day won’t make much difference.
Take note of how many steps you took. This is your Sexy Distance Factor. This is the minimum distance you must keep between you and the person you seek to seduce before they realize what a horrific manatee-person you really are. You might think, “How can I seduce when he/she can’t even hear me from all the way over here?” This is why I am the sex master and you are the sexless monkey. Much can be conveyed from over thirty feet or more. How is your pantomime? Perhaps you know how to tell a good dirty joke with body language. Licking your lips a lot and jerking certain flattering parts of your body in their direction will let them know what’s on your mind more than words can say. If you don’t possess any flattering parts, or if your particular part, like a cute mole above your appendectomy scar, doesn’t lend itself to jerking, you can always just thrust your crotch. Make sure you gesticulate broadly and mug wildly or else your message may not get through.
Ugly People: God’s Low Hanging Fruit
First, we must get you to conquer your fears of the opposite sex. Nothing can intimidate you like an attractive man or woman. My advice: have sex with unattractive people. Let me be clear, I’m not suggesting you have sex with objectively unattractive people. Your genitals are not a place for charity. Just seek out those who you don’t find particularly attractive. Coming on to someone you find sad looking can really take the pressure off. Look around your office or place of work for people to practice on. Homely people are especially drawn to cubicles.
Once you’ve selected your quarry, look hard into their eyes. Let the expression of pity grow on your face. After three or four minutes of uninterrupted staring they should get the picture and understand you do not find them attractive. This will make you irresistible to them. It’s human nature to forever find ourselves attracted to those who are not attracted to us. Don’t be afraid to add the impression of mild nausea.
In addition to the “stink eye,” you may want to seal the deal and ferment your seduction/alienation with any of the following:
Clutch your face and yell, “My eyes! The burning!”
Add, “Jeez, is the zoo in town or are you using a new body wash?”
When you enter the room, approach them within three seconds. Then stand just inches away from their face, while looking at anything but them. Soon they’ll get the message they’re the last person you want to be standing next to.
Or, “Look what just got off shift at the Whore Factory. You! Because you work at the Whore Factory.”
All of these techniques can and should be used on not only on unattractive people, but those you find attractive as well. For the truly advanced students, try the triple axel of insults: the CON-pliment™, the compliment that’s really an insult. Such as:
“I really like the color of the puss oozing from the open sore on your mouth. Compliments your eyes.”
“I like a girl who doesn’t get all worked up about makeup or nice clothes or pride in appearance or hygiene.”
“My grandma is fat and has a haircut just like you. I love my Grammy.”
“Wow, you’re in great shape. What are you, a rhombus? Ha ha, just kidding. You’re fat.”
“You smell like dog food. I have a dog, so we have that in common.”
“It looks light your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork. Seriously though, keeping up your complexion is hard, right?”
“I bet your vagina has teeth in it. Prove me wrong!”
“If I could rearrange the alphabet I still won’t put my penis anywhere near you. You have nice teeth though.”
“I really want you to meet my parents so we can all have a good laugh.”
“Hey lumpy, your butt looks weird.”
You’ve sunk their self-esteem around their ankles, but your work is not yet done. You must keep stoking the flames of love with insults, jokes at their expense and other mild abuse. Remember it’s important to distinguish yourself from other potential mates and the best way to do so is to let him/her know how little you think of them.
Attention: Get It
To become sexy, first you must have more sex. This may seem like putting the cart in the horse, or as my grandfather used to say, “Throwing away the cart and having sex with the horse” (though he said it in German and I wonder if some of the nuance gets lost in the translation). Trust me; nothing gives off a sexual aura like walking around in a cloud of your own musk. Try to shower less, as it only dissipates this all-too-precious aroma. Soon people will begin to notice, people will whisper when you walk by and whenever you step into a room your presence will be immediately known. Such is the magic of the musk. The musk says, “I have had sex. Regular human people just like you chose to have sex with me; all the more reason for you to consider doing the same.”
But the musk is just an hors d’oeuvre, something to whet the appetite and a promise of more. Now that you have their attention, keep them hooked. I could fill a book with all the ways to get attention, but since you are new to this, we shall stick to the basics. Wouldn’t want you to pull a muscle with the more advanced seduction techniques.
One trick that always gets people’s notice is to shake your fist toward the heavens and cry, “You’ll rue the day!” to no one in particular. In fact, this is a fairly good way to get attention under any circumstances. Here are some other methods for getting that sexy attention:
Get her social security number and steal her identity.
Challenge her dad to a fight.
Adopt a puppy. Arrange for the puppy to get run over just as she passes by on her daily jog.
Get drunk and loud at inappropriate times, like during a eulogy.
Offer your services as an “Amateur Gynecologist.”
Women, I must stress that every bit of the advice I’ve thus issued will work as well for you as it does for the men. But, if you feel I am not concentrating enough on the ways of attracting men, here is some special advice just for the ladies. To lure more men to your pleasure dome, first:
- Got to a public place where lots of people are about.
- Then yell at the top of your lungs, “Hey, I have a vagina and it likey sex!” Point to said vagina for additional clarification. Or if you prefer, “Ola, I have hunger in my lady bits. Is this a problem you can assist me with?” Either way, this guarantees men to find you automatically sexier, regardless of how sexy or repulsive you may actually be.
Make Sex Sexy
Once you have sufficiently achieved your goal of getting the man, woman or what-have-you to consent to the sex act, your work is far from over. Oh no, my friend, a true composer of amore and sexual festivity knows this only marks the beginning of the piece—merely the lifting of the baton. There is a reason the initial flirtation is called an “overture.” Now it’s time to open the curtain and reveal your act.
At this point, you might expect me to teach the specifics, mechanics and complex math that go into all the good sex moves. Sadly, these things cannot be taught with a book and until scientists invent a book you can have sex with, it is something I just can’t teach you here. Fortunately can learn all you need to know about how sex is made by spending a few hours trolling the Craigslist personal section. I can, however, teach you something just as important as the moves themselves: presentation.
It doesn’t matter how good you are at the sex thing, without proper presentation you’ll just look like an amateur. Yes, proper showmanship says to your lover, “I cared enough about you to rent this flying harness and matching costumes.” You don’t have to break the budget to put on a good sex show. Here are some simple, effective devices:
Make a little curtain to go around your groin. Nothing promotes intrigue and anticipation like a red theatrical curtain. If she’s “the one,” let her pull the rope.
Try performing a three act play with your penis. Show her how cultured you are with a classic production of Twelve Angry Men.
Pretend your penis is a microphone and sing into it, lip syncing that one song by her favorite boy band. Or something by Celene Dion.
Ever considered getting a laser light show constructed around your penis? Consider it!
Get whimsical and style your pubic hair into a fun “do” like a beehive or something chic, like a pompadour.
Recreate famous events around your groin, like the battle of Gettysburg, the moon landing or the assassination of JFK.
Show her how you can knock over that framed picture of her dad on the dresser when erect.
If you can teach your penis to do tricks like “sit,” “roll over,” and “play dead: she’ll love it. It takes her affection for dogs and transfers said affection to your winky.
Many women find intellect stimulating. While naked together, watch a rerun of Jeopardy. Shot out all the right answers (you’ll know them because you’ve already seen this episode). Insist it’s your penis that told you the answers.
Chivalry: The Art of Fighting for Sex
Showing your lady you will attack any stranger under the guise of protecting her honor draws her closer to you. You’ll find, however, our modern polite society provides few occasions for feuds and duels. Don’t dismay, starting a fight is very easy. You’ll find opportunities everywhere; you must simply possess a keen eye to find them. If the waiter forgets to shave the meringue off the lemon meringue pie you ordered for her, slap him across the face with a velvet glove. Now the waiter may chose to simply slink away like the manual laborer he is or he may resort to fisticuffs, at which point grab your date and run, making sure not to tip. Either way you look like the hero.
However, golden opportunities like these do not arise all the time. But you won’t let that stop you, will it? You are proactive. Don’t wait for opportunity to knock. Knock the door yourself, or in this case, violently assault the door with no provocation.
For instance, say you and your beloved are in the movie concession line. Tap the tall gentleman in front of you on the shoulder and say, in as intimidating a voice as you can, “Hey bub, you eyein’ my lady?!” When the man turns around you discover the man is actually a rather tall woman. Too late to turn back now. Before the mannish lady can retort, punch her square in the nose. Listen to your lady love squeal with delight, crying “My hero” as she mops up the blood profusely pouring out of your face after the surprisingly strong man-lady retaliated.
Here’s another case: in a crowd, turn to your woman friend and ask, “Did he just call you fat?” Then point to the smallest guy near you. If you really want to sell it, become a master of ventriloquism and throw your voice to make it sound like the insult came from the other man. Make sure to use a voice high-pitched and whiny to indicate the other man’s lack of manliness. Women love that. Insults and the emasculation of other men make for big time turn ons with the ladies. Then just leap over there and wail on the unaware guy. This is called the element of surprise.
Another way to ruffle a guy’s feathers, while tickling your lady’s, is to make fun of his girl. Women find it irresistible to know that you find other women disgusting. Reward them for this! Try this:
“Hey lady! You next to the beefy-necked guy. Yeah you. You smell. You smell like a whore. And you smell like poop. You smell like a poop whore.” Then just sit back and watch the fireworks fly. And in this case, “fireworks” means the bones in your face. If you luck out, there’ll be “fireworks” in the bedroom later too, provided the Vicodin you got at the ER can quiet the screaming pain in your head long enough to get an erection.
Why even have make up a reason to fight? Just walk up to a man and say, “Listen jerk, I’m gonna punch you in the babymaker[i].” See what you’ve done there? By saying “babymaker” you imply he is in possession of female reproductive organs as opposed to the male ones he should have. This is called a “mind game” and it will surely break him psychologically, delivering you the upper hand before the fight even begins.
Whatever way you decide to start a random fight with a hapless stranger, make sure to have fun with it.
What Time is It? Sexy Time (at Sex o’ Clock)
After all this pitching of woo, you finally get your sex partner naked in bed/the back seat of your Subaru/a seedy motel/your cousin’s Jacuzzi/on the mat in the yoga studio/on the back of a speeding motorcycle/wrapped in plastic/your cardboard fort/a hollowed out refrigerator and the time for sex is at hand. Remember to let yourself go. Whatever beliefs, values or affiliations you have outside the lovemaking place has no business here, in the lovemaking place. In the makings of sex love, two become one and those attachments you think define you actually put distance between you and your naked friend. Put aside these differences and become something new. You may be a conservative, a gun control advocate or a vegan, but while you make love you will vote for the increase in capital gains tax, join the NRA and shoot the baby dear or eat a bacon sandwich. Also, religion has no place here in the love making sex place. God will not be in the room; he tends to get in the way. If you practice Satanism, Satan may not join us either. He may watch.
[i] Incidentally, Babymaker is the name I gave to the 1981 Plymouth Reliant station wagon I drove in high school. I called it “babymaker” because everyone who got in it got pregnant.