Jobs I’d Be Really Good At

Now that I am a freelancer, I realize I don’t just have to limit my earning potential to writing. I have many very marketable skills just waiting to be tapped.

• Talking like Christian Bale as Batman all the time (a daily lozenge per diem required).
• Taking walks on crisp autumn days. Will sip a warm Apple Cider if the position demands.
• Smelling freshly laundered towels.
• Punching ferrets in the face (fuck ferrets, man).
• Practicing my signature as if I were married to various celebrities. (Mr. Cole Joile, Mr. Cole Gaga, Mr. Cole Depp…)
• Popping all your bubble wrap (so you don’t have to).
• Saving kittens from burning buildings. (Note: fire must be no larger than a stove fire and kitten must not only be cute but good with strangers. If that fucker scratches me, into the stove fire it goes.)
• Making other feels good about their ability to do cart wheels because I can’t. I’ll even demonstrate my inability to my great humiliation and your amusement and swelling sense of wellbeing.
• Trashing your hotel room so the maid service will be impressed with what a rock star you are. I’ll do it up right; kick over lamps, barf red wine all over the bed, take a poop in the shower. You name it.
• Huff gasoline (not sure who would pay me to do this, but since I already am doing it someone might as well start writing checks).
• Follow you around all day offering you a Wet Nap whenever you need it. I guess that would make me a Wet Nap caddy. You think that’s frivolous? Ever walking around, thinking you don’t need a Wet Nap and–BAM!—you need a Wet Nap. And when you need it, you MF’n NEED IT! And you know who’s not going to be there? The guy you didn’t pay to be your Wet Nap caddy, that’s who!
• Walk across a carpeted floor barefoot, really scuffling my feet, and then zap you. FUN, right?
• Make you balloon animals, any time, day or night.  WARNING: I only make snakes.