35 Reasons Why You Should Own a Dragon

Your birthday is coming up, (it isn’t? Who cares, let’s just enjoy comedy) and when it comes to gifts, you probably have a lot of things on your wish list.  All of these desired items, in your mind, are going to somehow make your life significantly more awesome.  Maybe you’re right, but chances are, there is one thing missing from your list that you haven’t even thought of.  Let’s not even mince words here.  Have you asked anyone for a dragon?  If not, you’re fucking up.  Here’s 35 reasons why…

• Dragons are the most eco-friendly mode of transportation available. All they run on is magic, dreams and the blood of orphans. Take that, Prius owners!

• Everyone will be able to see you’ve totally recovered in a kick ass way from the divorce.

• Never again will anyone say, “You don’t know your way around a dragon.”

• World’s Greatest Pick-up Line: “Hey, ever do it on the back of a dragon?”

• World’s Second Greatest Pick-up Line: “Hey, ever do it with a dragon watching?”

• You can give you and your dragon cool nicknames like “Big Daddy and Flamer” or “Sherriff Lobo and Senator Bumpass” or “Danny Diablo and His Incredibly Special Friend.”

• Contracting Dragon AIDS from your dragon is nothing to worry about. In fact, the main symptom of dragon AIDS is you get increased penmanship skills.

• You get more than one sample at Costco.

• Much less expensive than a robot and far less likely to turn gay.

• Your Canadian quarters will always be accepted as currency.

• You get a to-go box at the all-you-can-eat buffet.

• Dragon tears are a powerful aphrodisiac, providing you with a 36-hour erection. How do you get dragon’s tears? Tell it you don’t believe in dragons.

• This picture.

• Show up those idiots who get an air brushed painting of a dragon on the side of their vans by getting an air brushed picture of a van on the side of your dragon.

• Lick one, they taste like soup.

• When you take a dragon up to 88 miles an hour you’ll go back in time, almost have sex with your mom, give the town bully a manure-based comeuppance and invent rock n’ roll.

• Two words: tax deductable.

• It’ll piss your girlfriend off.

• Most dragons are 1,000’s of years old, so you can ask yours how much tail Abraham Lincoln used to get.

• They blow awesome smoke rings.

• Dragons are surprisingly skilled at assembling IKEA furniture.

• No matter how colossal a failure at life you become, no matter what horrible things you do or how pointless and insignificant your deeds will be to the great tide of history, your tombstone will still read, “That Dragon Guy.”

• No matter how dirty you get your dragon, it always smells like cinnamon.

• Dragons have universal health care.

• Dragons and dragon riders are allowed to wear white after Labor Day.

• If you feed it chocolate, graham crackers and marshmallows it shits s’mores.

• Dragons grant you three wishes. Just kidding, that’s stupid.

• Your neighbor with the new unicorn can totally suck it!

• When you use your dragon as the playing piece, you win every game of Monopoly that ever was or ever will be played.

• Because it’s better than getting a cat. Fuck cats.

• Always flying off and returning with a sheep, dog or elected official as a token of loyalty.

• Because your cave really isn’t complete without one.

• Dragons now come equipped with social networking (we don’t know what “social networking” is).

• You’ll always be offered the finest seat at the Red Lobster of your choosing.

• No one will suspect you have a small penis.