My Incredibly Uninformed Opinion on Why Ben Roethlisberger Should Go to Jail

Hey guys (and ladies) welcome to SPORTS CHAT!!!! The place where you mess your pants with the latest sports gossip.

Okay, let’s be frank: I hate inside sports crap. I enjoy watching sports, mostly. I can really get swept up in football and basketball season (sorry baseball, watching you is like watching cultures in a Petri dish grow. Besides, when giant, baby-shaped, 300 pound masses of bloat can excel at your sport, you’re not a sport. You’re bowling. Or a NASCAR fan.).

What I really don’t enjoy is all the behind-the-scenes personal interest stories of pro sports. Are many pro athletes bad people? Sometimes. Are many pro athletes good people? Yep, but I don’t care. The Onion summed it up perfectly with the headline Pro Athlete Lauded For Being Decent Human Being. Famous rich people are assholes or sometimes not assholes. Not a lot of drama there.

But today I found myself drawn to the recent Ben Roethlisberger story which I knew, and still know, almost nothing about. I read it anyway because I hate the Steelers. As far as I’m concerned, tomorrow the police could find The Steelers pantsless and dead next to a lifeless Patriots and Yankees in some erotic auto asphyxia event gone wrong.

Apparently the NFL has handed down a flexible four to six game suspension to Ben; depending on how “good” he behaves. He’s gonna be doing some hard core dog walking and helping blind people cross the street. Maybe they’ll make him pick up trash on the highway. SOOO HUMBLING! You know what would be a more fitting punishment? If he got banned from playing pro football. For life.

I’m sure it’s hard for athletes to get sex with strangers on a regular basis, just part of the deal when you sign up to be a multi-million dollar franchise player. But Ben maybe took his need for strange too far. According to reports, Ben trapped a 20-year-old girl in a bar bathroom and had sex with her despite her constant protests for him to stop. Ben’s bodyguards held back the girl’s friends so their boss could finish in peace.

Now I see what bodyguards are for. They’re not just there to prevent you from shooting yourself in the sweat pants; they also assist you in raping people. Handy.

Now I realize how easy it would be for any anonymous girl to call “rape” against any major athlete with absolutely no proof. Just the taint of being accused is enough to dampen a career and make a player’s council eager to pay the accuser off. And if that’s the case here (which I doubt) then we should get to the bottom of it.

But the NFL has already handed down a judgment, saying despite a conclusive legal decision being made, Roethlisberger broken the league’s personal conduct rules. On top of that, the Steelers just put a new zero-tolerance policy in place. Kind of unfair to a man who in our criminal system is innocent until proven guilty, unless Ben already admitted to something. And if Ben’s “something” is even a tenth of what this 20-year-old girl claims, he should be done, for good.

That wouldn’t be good for the league, though. Fans need their superstars and heroes. Plus, what do I know about Foosball, right? If I was the NFL commissioner I would toss out every character who acted with malicious harm to anybody outside of the football field, which means I’d have to dump at least ½ of the entire league. Clearly I would not be a very god NFL commissioner. So let’s forget everything I said and remember it’s all just a game. For fun.

Pittsburghers and Steelers fans, our wishes and prayers are with you as you wait for your rapist quarterback to return to the field. Man, I can’t wait for Sunday!

That’s SPORTS CHAT!!!! My fellow fanatics. Consider your pants messed.

This entry was posted in Tales of Shocking Shockery, The Daily and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to My Incredibly Uninformed Opinion on Why Ben Roethlisberger Should Go to Jail

  1. henry says:

    Pretty sweet… Nice stuff 🙂

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