How to Write the Next Twilight, Stephen King Book or Critically Acclaimed Novel

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Everyone wants to write the next blockbuster book series. And it’s easy to see why; authors such as Stephanie Meyer and Dan Brown have proven all it takes is a fifth-grade reading level and an utter contempt for your audience to hit pay dirt. So let’s get started, and by “started” I don’t mean enroll in a prestigious creative writing institution. Writers are doers, not learners. If college was for people who do things they’d call it “Do-llege.” You don’t need college.  All you need are these simple tips:

How To Write a Book For Girls (Or Women Who Were Once Girls)

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The thing women love most is magic. The magic of new romance, the magic of love, the magic of undying devotion. So think of the most magical, romantic thing you can. Now ask yourself:

  • Is it a supernatural creature?
  • Does it sparkle in the sunlight?
  • Does it live forever?

The answer to all of these should be “yes,” which leads you to just one conclusion, Unicorns! Now create your narrative about a young girl’s blossoming but forbidden love for her unicorn. If your book series succeeds three books, your protagonists are inevitably going to have to make love. If you think a sexual affair between a girl and a unicorn is a tad creepy, change the unicorn to a Sasquatch, Minotaur, vampire or whatever.

How to Write a Stephen King Blockbuster

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  1. Close your eyes.
  2. Now open them. What’s the first thing you see? A toaster? That’s perfect. Now it’s a haunted toaster.
  3. Include some kind of subtext on the evils of religious fanaticism. Perhaps an evil cult worships the haunted toaster.
  4. Now just riff for about 500 pages. Perhaps your heroes can go on a quest to throw the cursed toaster in a volcano. Make sure to document every single mundane detail along the way. Develop 39 new ways to describe dirt. We’ve got pages to fill.
  5. Include a cameo with a character from another book, people love that shit.
  6. Kill someone, but no kids or dogs. People hate that shit.
  7. Remember, everything evil happens in New England. If you want to write a story about haunted toasters that takes place in Canada, go fuck yourself.

How to Write an Acclaimed Cormac McCarthy Novel

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  1. Is there such a thing as absolute evil without a shade of gray? You bet!
  2. Spend 1,000 pages discussing how kids these days just ain’t got no respect.
  3. When in doubt, have someone eat a baby.
  4. Cut out the scene with the jet boat race. Also the stereotypical black sidekick. Find another way to incorporate the catch phrase, “This shit is whack!”
  5. Create whole new definitions for bleak. While writing your book, imagine your reader sinking into the grimness of your narrative. When you can hear a click, that’s the sound of the reader cocking a gun to their head. Congrats, you’re ready for press.
  6. Remember, your protagonist represents the only light of goodness in a horrifying, chaotic world. You’ll probably want to kill them before book’s end.
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One Response to How to Write the Next Twilight, Stephen King Book or Critically Acclaimed Novel

  1. maplesyrupandrew23 says:

    Nice post. Brought to mind how a lot of the Coens brothers’ movies too were about unstoppable evil. Maybe they’re McCarthy’s bastard kids.

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