By Guest Writer Thaddeus T. Sealclubber, Oil Magnate
Oil is my life. Oil has made me grotesquely rich. I own homes I’ve never seen. Hell, I own people I’ve never seen. But I never let my staggering crapulence get in the way of consistently delivering delicious crude to all you fine consumers. If oil is the blood of the earth, than I am the biggest, fattest mosquito around. And who doesn’t love a fat blood sucker?
So imagine my surprise when I discovered you motorists have conspired against me. Normally I spend the summers in an ether-induced coma until the holiday season arrives. But this year my man servant Chauncey woke me a month early.
“This had better be good Chauncey, or it’ll be the cane for you. And not in the playful way, either.”
“My sir, people aren’t buying your gas.”
Well as you can imagine, I leapt up in my dressing gown and dashed immediately to the ticker tape machine to find Chauncey was right. It would seem people are driving less. Or as you revolutionaries out there would call it, “driving smarter”.
Now I know many organizations seek to help you save precious petroleum. These groups are charlatans one and all. Take the City of Portland Office of Transportation. Here are some of their “tips” to saving you gasoline (with my rebuttals).
Instead of driving from store to store, try comparison shopping on the Internet first. (I didn’t know what the Internet was. Still don’t, but I went and bought the whole thing anyway. Now there will be no more “cyber shopping” on the Interweb. From now on every page has been replaced with tributes to the delightful antics of Garfield the cat. Always angling for lasagna, that one. Oh Garfield, you’re incorrigible!)
Try sharing rides with your neighbors. (Your neighbors don’t like you.)
Try riding a bike. (If you ride a bike I will personally laugh at you. I will actually pull up next to you in my motor car while you perambulate on your bi-wheeled blunder and I shall laugh a deep throaty laugh. A laugh that says, “hello little girl, are you looking to sell me cookies?”)
If you want a good chortle, you can try and look into more of the Office of Transportation’s tips by going to www.GettingAroundPortland.org. Of course all you’ll find there now is Garfield giving Odie the what for.
And listen to this tomfoolery! There is another organization called Carpoolmatchnw.com. And what do these scallywags propose to do? They offer to help you find other motorists with whom you may car pool. You can search by regular commute or just one time trips. Carpoolmatchnw.com claims to help over 10,000 commuters in Oregon and SW Washington. Sharing rides, a common sense way of conserving resources…or COMMUNISM???!!! Say hello to Chairman Mao for me, comrade.
So there you have it. Do your patriotic duty (and help a poor old man buy another island) by using more oil. Because oil plutocrats are a limited resource too.