A Copywriter is Stalking You

A Sunkist Orange is nature’s perfect snack. It’s like a drop of sunshine in your hand. Not only is it an excellent source of vitamin C, but it’s sweet, pure and juicy. Kind of like Susan from Accounts Receivable. She’s sweet, the way she always has that slightly off-kilter smile. She’s pure, she’s the kind of girl that serves in a soup kitchen on Christmas, I just know it. And her lips are certainly juicy. Also like an orange, she doesn’t talk to me.

Say goodbye to hunger when you meet the new Gold Rush Bacon Ranch Turkey Sandwich from Quiznos. We start with fresh baked cheddar-crusted bread and we pile high the juicy all-white-meat turkey. Pepper bacon adds that oh-so-right blend of chewy and crunchy. Your mouth will say “Eureka!” when that zip of zesty ranch hits your taste buds. Susan likes a plain old peanut butter, jelly and banana sandwich. She eats one at least once a week. Isn’t the adorable? I know this because I’ve watched her eat lunch every day for the past three weeks. I’m sure this sandwich is pretty good too.

The Lexus SX4 represents the ultimate in driving luxury. Offering performance like no other, this is one sedan that elevates driving to an art form. With 270 horsepower, a 36-position articulating driver’s seat, standard satellite radio, fine leather trim and a rear navigation camera, no detail has been spared. When your neighbors catch you pulling into the driveway in one, they’ll surely say, “Susan would totally fuck me if I had one of these.”

Insurance is something you don’t think about much until you need it most. At State Farm we know how devastating it can be to lose your home to a fire, flood or other act of nature. You ask yourself, “How could this have happened? Why is Susan with Craig, that frat boy douchebag from sales, when she should be with me?!”

Get ready for a revolution in phone service with Comcast Digital Voice. The sound has never been crisper or clearer. Talk to friends and family as though they are right there in your living room. The sound clarity is so good you can even hear someone faintly panting after they called you in the middle of the night and they sit there and say nothing before hanging up. God I hope Susan doesn’t have Comcast Digital Voice.

Make your escape with a trip to Hawaii’s Kaneohe Bay on American Airlines. American flies to Hawaii eight times a day, which means you could be on the beach taking in ocean wonder this very afternoon. Feel the sand squishing beneath your feet. Watch the sun set over an active volcano. I can’t afford to give Susan a nice Hawaiian vacation, but I’ve done the next best thing and dressed up my crawl space with a Hawaiian theme. I’ve papered the walls with ocean vistas, hung up some coconut scented air fresheners and put a Don Ho Greatest Hits cd on constant loop. I even weaved some tropical flowers into Susan’s ropes so they are not so much restraints as they are leis.

A house is just a house, but at Premiere Estates we offer you a home. It’s those extra special touches, like brass-knobbed cabinets and fine cherry wood floors that make one of our properties feel immediately like home. It’s been tough trying to make my new prison cell a home. I put up pictures of you, Susan, which I snuck in via various crevices of my body, but they tore those down. At first things were pretty rough between me and my new cellmate/prison wife Jed, but we are working it out. It’s the small compromises that count. Like when I promise to muffle my cries of pain into a pillow, Jed promises to let me call him Susan now and then. I feel like I’m really learning the tools for a healthy relationship. Now I see that I should have been listening to your needs instead of keeping you perpetually sedated on an IV drip. I’m ready for a mature relationship. Maybe when I get out, you and I can get one of these Premiere Estate homes, even though I just made them up. Don’t worry about telling me where you moved, I’ve made some contacts in here that have a knack for “finding people”. It’s gonna be so great, Susan. Maybe after a while, when our relationship has grown strong, I’ll tell you where I put Craig.

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